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Hunting Jokes

If you have a hunting joke that you are willing to share please e-mail it to us and we will get it posted here. 
 


  As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."   


    
Brokeback Deer Camp

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night.


Two Yankee hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Tennessee to hunt Does in Unit "L". They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four deer. The two Yanks objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreck one Yank asked the other, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yaaaah I tink wee's pretty close to where we crashed last year.."


At an Alabama police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"As I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'" 


    
Touring Alaska, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains for some sight seeing. Cruising the campground in the
Pope-mobile, he witnessed a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" T-shirt and a Tree Hugger Hat, was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot
grizzly.

The horrified Pope watched, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding semiconscious Democrat from underneath the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. I heard there was a bitter hatred between loggers and
environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that that is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It's the Pope," another replied, "he's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting... By the way, is the bait holding up okay or do we need to go back to town and grab another one?"
 


    
  A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"


 A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Alabama near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.

Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."


    
  Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says ' Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?' The second hunter says' I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.'

The first hunter says ' There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see'. So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind em. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. 'Say there', says the farmer, 'you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?'

The first hunter says ' Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!'

And the old farmer said ' Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission


What's the difference between a southern zoo and a
northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the
front of the cage along with... "a recipe".    
  


    
Two hunters from Kentucky were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter who was from Tennessee approached pulling his deer along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the Tennessee hunter left, the two from KY decided to try it. A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.



 

    


Hunting Flies

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'Hunting Flies', he responded.

'Oh! Killing any?' she asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

  

 


The Little Buck

A little button buck was standing on a big White Oak ridge. A small 6 point buck walks up to him and they are talking about the rut and all the does that are running around. A few minutes later they are joined by solid 8 pointer and he shoots the bull for a few minutes.

Their conversation is interrupted by a doe frantically running toward them followed by a 250 pound 16 point. He mounts the doe and violently breeds her for 5 minutes. The 16 point jumps off rips a cedar tree out of the ground with his antlers and paws up the ground violently. The three smaller bucks are standing there with their jaws hanging in amazement.

The little button buck runs over, rubs a tree and paws some leaves and grunts loudly. The 8 point said "what are you doing?"
The little button buck says I want that big sucker to know I am not a doe.
    
  



I Think My Wife Is Cheating

So lately my wife has been working a lot of late shifts and the past couple of months she's been carpooling with a male co-worker. At first I didn't mind as it saves gas and in case she has car trouble or something like that, but it seems like they've become a little bit more than friends. You know....the phone calls that hang up, she starts wearing nice clothes to work and talking about him all the time...then abruptly stops leaving an uncomfortable silence.

If I'm out in the garage when she gets home (usually after midnight) he just drops her off and leaves, but if the lights are off in the garage and I'm in the house (they think I'm sleeping) they sit out in the car for about 20 minutes.

I asked her once what they were doing and she said, "Just talking". Whatever!

So, last night I decided to see what's really going on out there. So, I leave the garage door open and turn all the lights off. I go out in the garage and wait. In a few minutes his car pulls into my driveway and as I'm hiding behind some of my hunting stuff the headlights shine through my garage and I see something that I just can't believe.

The string, on my bow is fraying! Not real bad, but enough. How long should I let it go before I replace it?
  


Giving Up Hunting

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

    
  


    
  


 
 

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